Theology

and then he laid his hands on me
and my sins floated away into the ether
and all the pressure was relieved from my soul

The golden boat was presented to the dead
and their eyes were filled with lilacs
and the waves came and nipped their feet
and they were carried off


A labyrinth of tubes
traversing space
carrying the bubbling red light
of God


When the night goes black
and a veil falls over my eyes
and my hands neither feel nor grasp
and the satin ends up in your hands
the last of me has bled out
and my pulse becomes weaker and weaker
until it mixes only with the stirring of wind
in the sighing grass
only then can you pray
and even then
there is no point

Dirty Hair

Your bony fingers play my rib cage like a lyre
Your violence is so pretty
I am at such a loss
such a loss for words
and my dirty hair shows that I have fallen
from the grace of the silver deity
Why are dead birds falling out of your ceiling?
I want to shed red onto your carpet
I want to rip out my veins and sew a blanket with them
to keep you warm
or just to keep you
who are you?
That is a question for myself
to hold and cradle like a baby

Sadness

my melancholy is not exuberant
it is soft and sweet
like lace in a slow burning house
the cinders curling up
like cherry confetti burning the Sky
sending ashes down
to coat the dirt

Autumn

trees shedding leaves like old women losing their fear
it is fall
and the ghosts are crawling their way out of tracheas
and falling into the world
covered in bright red blood
placenta for the new world
a gift
and they are all stalking the tall grass
and whispering down empty streets
about what the early night will bring
and why it must come

Hands

Chances Are
My Life will end at my own Hands
For I am naught but a tired flower
wilting in the breeze



My hands carry little
My heart even less
This is a sad one


my hands are covered in blood
and my eyes are swallowed by the ghost of my father
winding around the labyrinth of my nightmare
You are a mirror
shining like a star
being eaten by the universe
you are an ink stain
you are full of ash
you are a sweet tray of dirt
and used cigarettes


There is an explosion
across the country
the city is burning
all the ants have got their guns
and their burning down the playground
And I am sitting here
having my brain burned by the tv
while my hands
sit idle

Hell

What a hell hole this place is

Cancer 2

Imagine being stuck
Where every nightmarish thing
walks and breathes and spills blood like wine
Imagine your father with skin like parchment
jaundiced
tired
lying on this field strewn with crying kids all screaming for mom
and you can do nothing
But watch him
as he tries to get up
and falls
and tries to get up
and falls
and you are so sore all over
from every night you have spent crying
and you weep and your throat closes up
and he still can not move
Imagine a house
where everything smells like bleach
and you feel death near like some people can feel a storm
your brother and sister are there
but they are so sore
so sore from the crying
and your father is walking down the stairs
with arms like spider legs
he is so skinny
nothing like himself
and you cant stop screaming
because it cant be him
it cant be that strong man that raised you
so you help no one
your father falls
and he cant get up
and you cant help him
you cant

Cancer 1

Out of my loneliness
Came The Rage
and in my desperation
I turned it inward
and made my insides crawl
and my outsides burn
And Now
All the yellow spotted flowers
are burning red
and the sky is lit up like the fourth
with pink ribbons of blood coating the place where our dreams bump and meet
I am sick of vomiting up my mistakes
But I see no way out
This is a cancer and its eating me whole

Some Self Reflection 2

There is a demon eating up the inside of my mind
Dark
Deep Down and Dark
I am inert
I do not move
I am sluggish
I am slow
I wish I could see

Blank

Obfuscation is freedom
Dancing in the chaos of a storm
Confusion is the bright light that draws you
Down dark alleys into the Eye
where everything is calm
and Horrible and still
and that absolute freedom weighs on you(us)
like a bunch of rotting skulls
All thought has left
you(me?)
This is my grace,
This is my prayer,
Dear God Im dying
Dear God Im lost
The night is close
The storm
The storm is raging

Dark Space

His Body is a Bone yard
Fragments wrapping around fragments
All sharp nooks and dark elbows
Today I saw a Dead Man walk from his grave to his bed
His thoughts painting the wall
His eyes are always carrying such dark places
I do not understand how he walks around completely silent when there is a war going on inside of him and it is bleeding noise



There is a ghost in your mouth
its all death your spitting out

Is this my body that I suffer in?

and there, in that most dark and sordid moment, we became alien to ourselves

Stare

The whites of your eyes are on fire
Sometimes I want to live in my nostalgia

Hope

All their hope has been razed to the ground

Lost and Losing

I have been cradled since birth in blood and violence and love and sweetness, I am not going to imagine your death, it is too painful, You Steven are such a big child and even when you looked at me with sickness in your eyes you still radiated love,what I know is that I let you fall again and again. Christ please save me, I am too big of a lost-cause to lose anymore. Please hold those brown eyes up to the sun and keep the warmth there, keep the warmth there, keep the warmth in

Becoming

I want a violent disintegration of self
I want to disappear in everyone
I want to bleed out of all my pores
I want to become becoming

Confession

One time when I was young I loved someone very much who did not love me and it made me very sick and I tried to kill myself. One time my dad found out that I wanted to die and I walked upstairs and he was crying all over the floor and I stared at him with a cold stone heart and I felt myself breaking. He wanted to take a chisel to my eyes and shape them to see the sun again. To let light in. To break me out from the mortar that covered my soul like a grave. My father cried because his love turned to flesh wanted to to blow himself out of this world, like a feather or a leaf. Now he has cancer and I am very afraid of death.

Suicide

Sometimes when I am alone I think back to that night when my face stung like a hornets nest and my heart beat like a drum and I convulsed and tore out my hair and my eyes and I grabbed the brown belt from my room and I connected it to the leather one and I put one end around my neck and reached up in the dark basement where my dad hid his pot and his tools and tried to put it around that ceiling beam and I was very frightened but I was sick of feeling like I was a ghost reminding myself of that time I was alive and happy, so I reached up and I tried to tie the end of the belt but I couldn't and secretly I was happy but also ashamed because I was too weak and loved something about the world too much and so I couldn't do it and I wanted to die so much, I wanted to lay in a plush coffin and have people look at my sweet face and dream forever under the grass, I wanted people to beg me to stay and tell me it would get better, I wanted someone to hold onto, But I couldn't do it, I couldn't attach it, physically it wouldn't hold and I was kind of happy but I was so sore all over and I lay down on the sick carpet that looks like vomit and has been in my house since the beginning and I cried

Opening

I want so bad to be touching
My body is tearing at itself to reach out with its cracked skin and swim in the heart of someone else
I am so thirsty, my throat is raw and bleeding like scraped knees in the afternoon glow
I want to drink in everyone, I want them to flow through me
I want to transcend the tired shit we are always talking
I want to live in someone elses soul where all the wild waves are crashing notes against the shore
the brain is just a barrier, a reef with tons of tiny fish, all confused and lonely trying to get out
I want to know where people live, where they really live and see what kills them and warms them and makes them feel safe and scared
I want the sky to pour buckets and wash away all the timid smiles and closed eyes and formal handshakes and suits and cars
I want the rain to wash away the cancer and tumors and the pins and needles and the coughing and chemo and sadness
I want to know
I want to know everything

Beauty

Running down the street shooting the cameras and policemen to make good art
trying to make the world beautiful by shattering the shit that freezes us
in frames or cages or broken down houses full of poverty and icy fingers
scratching our names in the dirt, so that we will grow grow
and be remembered for our beauty

Life

Every demonstration of our power will leave a corpse in the street
Either Ours
or Theirs
This is Life

Smash

Smash Everything

Alienation

Sitting in a bright room with lights strung all over like nooses on our birthday
Everyone singing as their friend, sips his way into a coma
Everyone yelling as they shed petals onto the floor
Everyone withering into themselves
"Ive already been dead
and I've come back
its doesnt matter anymore
none of this"

Love

My tender heart is screaming,
screaming while her hands bleed like christ because she suffers for everyone elses sins,
their shyness, their sadness, their loss is all hers to bear and carry like a limping soldier,
his buddy over his back and his eyes all popping out of his sockets,
she is in a cage and she is scared if she steps out she will have to run naked through the streets and be torn apart by the laughter and the glass that litters the world as if it sprung up like grass or flowers,
while others stand around with mouths hanging open and lips peeled up, exposing their candy pink gums and teeth like razors
her soul is a frightening dream where everything bleeds into everything else and she doesnt know what is real,
her mind flashes nightmare streets and car crashes and bloody afternoon tea and alone figures that are not poetic in the least, just sad and sorry and hurting. Her creamy belly is gushing everything all the time like her words that cant come out and her eyelashes that bat beautifully at the sun,
Her hands are all wounded, her umbilical cord was cut before she stepped a foot on the cold tile in that flourescent room where they beat her as soon as she stumbled out of the womb into this place where everyone is starving.
She is so alone, she is so crazy mad sometimes,
she thinks she has cancer she thinks she is dying she wants to die she doesnt know how to die she wants to whither she wants to bloom and nothing is allowed,
just gray and dusk and weeping

Bloom

The night is filled with spiders running up and down
the legs of all the drunk policemen
biting them in their most tender parts
causing their flesh to bubble and pop
their skin to blister
and like lepers they are cast out
and their music dies in the ears of all the tiny children
smiling at the sand
while we swallow bullets
to kill that part of ourselves
that would do their job for them

Alone

Sometimes it hurts
when I am the only one in a room
not sucking down poison
or bleeding their veins
cuz I know it is all smoke
and falseness

Broken

You are a beautiful shard of glass
a fragile piece of beauty
a shattered work of art
you are such a charming man
when your not sticking in some ones foot
making them bleed
it seems as if
Only Heaven knows
how miserable you really are
but my friend
I have tasted your pain
and no matter how many bruises you collect
from banging yourself against your isolation
you are not alone

Dreaming

We are already dead
or maybe just asleep
while the car keeps moving
into the unforgiving black
and the blank faces are all armed
and shooting into crowds
because culture is oppressive
and the webs are strung by people
sticky lines trailing out of their fingers
and their bloated abdomens
all the poets are murderers
and so are the singers
and so are the playwrights
and so are you
and so are we
this world is a coffin
sometimes
and we are dreaming in it

Rot

"I am a dead body,"
He said
As all the stars fell out the sky
and his eyes burned holes in my sweater
like a cigarette
"I am a corpse"
she said
As she breathed dust into the room
coloring everything gray
Causing all those gaps in conversation
to become visible
But,
I am glad she said it
The stench was becoming unbearable
the room smelled like a battlefield
or the emergency room in summer
and no one knew
where it started
or where it ended
No one knew
that they were rotting too

Litter

Baby doll heads litter the highway,
a path one can follow back to the plastic womb we all emerge from
to think that people live here
with the asthmatic stacks whispering smog all day
blanketing the harbor with grit
all the water is filled with six eyed fish who
eat the refuse our minds spit out into the world
the walking dead
we eat the brains of each other
little ants crawling to be the first
to tear the dead ones to bits
to keep the alive ones on their toes
All the soil is full of glass and rusty needles
the ships that sail once into collapsing veins
now litter the world like diamonds

Ash

A White rabbit
sacrificed
all the gray eyed priests praying
over its fading light
While the sink keeps dripping
in a desolate house
where all the poetry
has been burned
and all that is left is ash

Touching

Everyone, all laughs
flying down the road
while thoughts spin like daisies
and eyes begin to fall down into their laps
as if truth could be found in
the folding of the fabric
in the contours of their jeans
And everyone is holding hands,
pretty cream colored hands
When a flash of white
smashes the illusion
that they are all touching
and the windshield begins to cave
and the blood begins to spread
and the laughter dies
and the eyes continue to stare
down and empty

Work

I resent
having to litter the road with my fingernails
to live
and to kiss the hem
of the kings skirt
so that my soul can be put on the guillotine
and my heart can be shot full of wires
and my eyes can be trained not to see
I am not a fucking slave
But my movements,
my grace
would tell you otherwise

Sorry

O my Dear Family
We have all been weeping inside all these months
Dear Father please forgive me
I am not the prince you thought you had
When you held me, all wet and full of stars
you imagined me a success
But
I have grown to disappoint
to mire your eyes in the dirt
But I am something
One day you will see that I am something

Running

The snow is glistening crystals into my eyes
blinding me
closing me off
letting me in
I am carrying my pain around with me
like a heavy child
I am pregnant with sorrow
What loud cries escape my belly
what gorged innocence
what endless impossibilities
Some things you can not run away from
The chemo
the cancer
the chemo
the cancer
is this what the songbirds
are saying?
When they cry so low?

Darling

The air is biting huge chunks out of my skin
causing my bones to get chapped
like bloody lips in the dead of winter
My lover is trying to escape
putting her hands down her pants
keeping the warmth in
letting it circulate
allowing no one else in
The streets we are walking are full of
dis(ease) and broken glass and if you arent careful
they will go through you and you will deflate
like an after birthday balloon singing the last line
of joy
All I can think about is how I am dearly obsessed
with her tits
and screaming wounded heart
How I want to feed her the sun
till all her little cuts dry up
and her eyes beam through me
and all the cold leaves
forever

Tragedy(S)

All the fish are washing up on shore
with x's over their eyes and no clothes on their soul
and little blue eyed
kids in tiny towns are trickling tears down their chins
for the tragedy of it all
and all the water is running black as coal
and the tv is yelling obscenely
and I am screaming for all of those
with tumors sticking out of their backs
Which is everyone
we are all being consumed
we are all consuming others

Hiding

We are all hiding behind our jokes and sticky smiles
because we are scared to be judged by the tragedy of our insides
By the lingering thoughts of desperation
By our pleading cries for love
We are scared to be judged by our lack
we are all too scared to speak because everyone is a mirror and all we see is death

Confusion

What is the State?
But a grinding of Bodies
together in a strobe light lit Bar
Where everyone is pushing against each other
and no one feels a thing
What is this confusion?
when people shoot nine year old girls
while smiling
What is this pain?
Why do all of us keep falling off track?
why does the tv never stop chattering?
why is it so hard to hear my heart beat?
Is it because I am dead?

Maybe..

Carrion Speakers
Those that take to the pulpit
to vomit shit into the heads
of all the confused sea gulls
picking at the sand
those that convince
Soccer Moms
to hate those with brown skin
and drive their suvs
over all the trees
Those that make the whole world a trash heap
and convince us
we like the taste of it
that we like the smell
that we like being castrated and bled like pigs
While they make love to money
and everyones left wondering
What happened?

Tragedy

Isn't it so tragic
when the wheels grind you down
and little kids strap bombs to their chest
so god will think they're pretty
When all the parents and the teachers
act like bosses and police
so everyone grows up
Thinking life is supposed to be like this?
And the only way out
is through......

The Last Act

Pupils spilling sickness all over every one they see
Button down tan trench coat
Walking into the halls of power
Mad Limbs all scrambling to
Give the Judge a heavy present
full of their last birthday wishes
and missed House payments
Putting an explosive device
Down the throat
of Those who grease the wheels
"I want to explode"
You screamed while the night spun all around
"Bullets in the head for all the kings"
"Wheres my cigarette?"
"I am a walking car wreck"
I think I might
Agree
But I am too timid
So I just watch
As it all blows up

Falling Off

Crows line the roads
looking to pick at the roadkill
that fills up our lives
And all the small talk
and awkward glances are adding up
to be bones we bury
Jet Black squawking nightmares in our ears
Sometimes "Hell is other people"
But not in the way he meant it
literally
This is Hell
and I am just dancing amongst the flames

Emptiness

This is all ash and burnt grain
Sloshing in static as the sky falls through my brain
We are nowhere, this land is what god has thrown away
Vultures are eating the innards of these roads, reading bathroom walls searching for redemption
Filthy motels filled with spunk and twenty dollar bills
Eating the mold off the walls to taste which way my blood flows
Up or down this is a hell, a place where wasted wishes go to drown
A town with too much blush on, blood boiling in the cheeks
Hot, Hotter, searing the sin off babes with cherub wings
There is not a single soul left alive
Just the space between toes and empty living rooms

This is What I Want

I want all of my Family's tears
to flow right down the throat
Of all the fuckers on the Top
Who are selling Cancer and taking cash baths
I want them to Bleed
Out of Their Eyes
Like the Weeping Mary
But with no one there to
Worship or to Cry

Some Self Reflection

I have been weeping roses for so many hours
The Iv is plugged into my computer
Letting me show the World
My Shiny Fucking Face.
All the traffic cameras
Are viewing our most intimate
Kissing Moments.
We try to hide,
Our Houses are all prisons
I am on Strike.
I want to Burn down
Every ones House
So we can make the world
Our Home
So we can learn
To love
again


If in my most vulnerable moments
I shed tears for you
It does not mean I am weak
But Rather
That I am still working
on becoming
Stone