Lost and Losing

I have been cradled since birth in blood and violence and love and sweetness, I am not going to imagine your death, it is too painful, You Steven are such a big child and even when you looked at me with sickness in your eyes you still radiated love,what I know is that I let you fall again and again. Christ please save me, I am too big of a lost-cause to lose anymore. Please hold those brown eyes up to the sun and keep the warmth there, keep the warmth there, keep the warmth in

Becoming

I want a violent disintegration of self
I want to disappear in everyone
I want to bleed out of all my pores
I want to become becoming

Confession

One time when I was young I loved someone very much who did not love me and it made me very sick and I tried to kill myself. One time my dad found out that I wanted to die and I walked upstairs and he was crying all over the floor and I stared at him with a cold stone heart and I felt myself breaking. He wanted to take a chisel to my eyes and shape them to see the sun again. To let light in. To break me out from the mortar that covered my soul like a grave. My father cried because his love turned to flesh wanted to to blow himself out of this world, like a feather or a leaf. Now he has cancer and I am very afraid of death.

Suicide

Sometimes when I am alone I think back to that night when my face stung like a hornets nest and my heart beat like a drum and I convulsed and tore out my hair and my eyes and I grabbed the brown belt from my room and I connected it to the leather one and I put one end around my neck and reached up in the dark basement where my dad hid his pot and his tools and tried to put it around that ceiling beam and I was very frightened but I was sick of feeling like I was a ghost reminding myself of that time I was alive and happy, so I reached up and I tried to tie the end of the belt but I couldn't and secretly I was happy but also ashamed because I was too weak and loved something about the world too much and so I couldn't do it and I wanted to die so much, I wanted to lay in a plush coffin and have people look at my sweet face and dream forever under the grass, I wanted people to beg me to stay and tell me it would get better, I wanted someone to hold onto, But I couldn't do it, I couldn't attach it, physically it wouldn't hold and I was kind of happy but I was so sore all over and I lay down on the sick carpet that looks like vomit and has been in my house since the beginning and I cried

Opening

I want so bad to be touching
My body is tearing at itself to reach out with its cracked skin and swim in the heart of someone else
I am so thirsty, my throat is raw and bleeding like scraped knees in the afternoon glow
I want to drink in everyone, I want them to flow through me
I want to transcend the tired shit we are always talking
I want to live in someone elses soul where all the wild waves are crashing notes against the shore
the brain is just a barrier, a reef with tons of tiny fish, all confused and lonely trying to get out
I want to know where people live, where they really live and see what kills them and warms them and makes them feel safe and scared
I want the sky to pour buckets and wash away all the timid smiles and closed eyes and formal handshakes and suits and cars
I want the rain to wash away the cancer and tumors and the pins and needles and the coughing and chemo and sadness
I want to know
I want to know everything